Monday, May 20, 2013

On Soul mates and Best friends

When I'm friends with someone, it's usually not for long. I mean, I have 'friends' that I've known my entire life. I have 'friends' that I've talked to on and off since middle school. But when I'm friends with someone, I invest myself into the relationship. I give 100% of myself to them. And then I burn out. And I realize that the whole time, I was 100% invested, while they were only around 45% invested. And that hurts. A lot.

Most of my friendships only last around a year because of this. We start off as acquaintances; classmates, camp-mates, band kids, stuff like that. We start talking during whatever stuck us together. We decide it'd be fun to hang out after class/band/camp/ect. We bond over movies/Chinese food/mutual hatred/ect. I don't have any other friends, so I only talk to them for a while. I try really hard not to be obsessive. I don't text first. I let them choose when/where/how often we hang out. But they know that if they EVER need anything, I'll be right there. And a lot of people take advantage of that. And that hurts. A lot.

But I met my current friend, Jacob, on Travel Camp almost three years ago. We didn't talk much that year, but we talked enough to be slightly more than acquaintances. Prom of my junior year, I was friends with this guy, Caleb, who I also met on Travel Camp, and I liked him. I asked him to prom, and he said yes, and I was excited. I had my dress altered and had told him what color it was. I reminded him several times about the date (he needed reminded about things- a lot.) and he said he was going. Two weeks before prom, I asked him if he had his tux. He said no. I, for good reason, was concerned. He then informed me that he thought I was joking about prom this whole time. And that hurt. A lot.

So at this point, I'm very emotional. I was on Facebook, venting to my mom. For some reason, I was talking to Jacob, and I brought this whole ordeal up. I asked him, half jokingly, to go with me. And he did. And we had a lovely time.
Hover hand. Because we're cool.
The whole gang! It was an interesting night.

After prom, we talked on Facebook a lot. We moved from acquaintances to friends. We had Nerdfightaria in common, as well as a deep love for the internet. He became the friend that understood things no one else I knew would understand.

This continued through the summer, but less. We went on Travel Camp together and we had a lovely time. Maverick and Kaitlyn also hung out with us on TC, and it made for a lovely 11 days in Canada.
Mav, Jacob, a weird Santa statue, Kaitlyn, and me on Travel Camp :)

We decided to get together and watch scary movies once a month. Mav and Kaitlyn were always busy, so Jacob and I did so without them. It was pleasant. Then we got busy and skipped it. That sucked.

Around Christmas we had another movie night. Ever since then, we've just talked ALL THE TIME.

He went to prom with me again this year. It was lovely and my dress looked fantastic.
We look so swag-tastic. And by we, I mean I.
My group of friends (who are entirely different than the ones I had last year) enjoyed his presence, so we hung out with them several other times. I hung out with his friends once, but they all function as a group and I don't like that many people at once. Regardless, we have moved from friends to best friends.

I was talking to Megan at the museum one day, and she insisted that Jacob and I would someday date. That sounds absolutely revolting. But, as it turns out, a lot of people think this. His mom, my mom, my dad, my sister, my grandma, my boss, my 'friends' at school, and pretty much anyone who has ever seen the two of us together ever. It's annoying.

But Megan also said something to me one day that stuck. We had been discussing Jacob and I's not dating, and she said something along the lines of "People don't always marry their soul mates." That just made so much sense! Jacob and I just sort of fit together. It's easy to see how everyone would think that we could make a good couple, but there is NO physical attraction from either of us to either of us. If anything, we're in love with each other's brains.

So basically, I just told you the entire story of Jacob and I's friendship to tell you: We are not dating, nor will we ever be. It has been officially recorded on the interwebs as an official, written in stone thing.

I leave you with this quote that I heard on Criminal Minds earlier this evening.

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." William Somerset Maugham

**Edit**
I just found this picture on Pinterest. It belongs here.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Here it is.



Right now, I'm laying on my bed with no bedding on it because it's in the wash. Right now, I'm typing this blog post that I wanted to post yesterday, but felt like Wil Wheaton's post needed to be made, and I hate chain-posting. Right now, I'm checking my Facebook to see if the kind lady that lives next door to my grandma can hem my dress for graduation. Right now, I'm not crying.

Every year, for as long as someone I know has been graduating, I have cried most of the month of May. I cry at last concerts, last Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, pep bands, ect. Pretty much, I was just an emotional wreck. And now it's my turn. This thing that I've been waiting for for 13 years is here. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go to school for about 3 hours before we have our Senior barbecue and do a run through of graduation, and I haven't shed a single tear. I always thought that I'd be really emotional about leaving, but as John Green said in Paper Towns "It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” And he's right. I've been waiting to leave for so long, I can't imagine it as anything other than easy right now.

Most classes bond during their senior year. They have senior bonfires and senior pranks, senior skip day, cheesey "I'm going to miss you so much why weren't we friends sooner" moments, the works. But our class hasn't done that. And with 3 hours left, I don't think we will. But I think it's because we already did. Usually that kind of fake bonding is great for the end of things. It's a chance to help influence how people are going to remember you. But our class has already done all of that. When Jacob died, our class pulled together. Whether you hated or loved Jacob, or anyone in our class for that matter, you came together and helped each other through it. Not everyone was mourning the loss of Jacob, something some people just didn't understand, but we were all in a state of grieving. I, personally, for my grandpa, who had just passed away. So we did all of this fake bonding as we sat together and cried for a few days, and now we're just left with the "I know you're not that way so don't bother" stages. We all hate each other. We all want out. None of us want to come back. It's just so much different than the way I've always pictured the end of my senior year going.

But as John Green also said in Paper Towns, "Things never happen the way you imagine them. But if you never imagine, they never happen at all."

What kind of Nerd are you?



Wil Wheaton was speaking at a convention over the weekend at the Calgary Comic Expo, and he gave a nifty little speech.




I follow the Wheaton's on Twitter, like a good little nerd, and Anne retweeted the link to this. I saw that people were saying it was a "must watch", so I watched it. And I may have teared up a bit. But it made me start to think, what kind of a nerd am I?


Well I've never seen Firefly or any of the Sherlock's. I've seen the Star Wars movies, but most things I know about it, I've learned from what others have said online. I only liked Star Trek: The Next Generation (in which Wil Wheaton played Wesley Crusher, unrelatedly). I've never played Dungeons and Dragons or any of the 'nerdy' games (video or otherwise). Needless to say, I'm not a good nerd.


In fact, I never would have ever really labeled myself as a nerd without stumbling across John and Hank Green. They basically just said, "It's okay that you aren't a _____, we think you're pretty awesome!" They introduced me to Nerdfightaria, and for the first time in the miserable middle/high school experience, I felt completely comfortable being me. Granted, I have only ever met one or two other Nerdfighters. But still, it's nice to have a place, especially on the internet, where you feel accepted for who you are. Nerdfighters have a website called Your Pants where you can just type in any sort of group and it will come up with all sorts of niches of Nerdfighteria. There are ones by state, gender, sexuality, religion, high school groups, occupation, and any other likes and interests you can think of. And you don't have to pick just one, you can be a part of as many of them as you'd like! I haven't visited there in a while, but I like to hope it's still as awesome as it was.
John Green has given the world some great quotes about being a nerd.

"Why is being a nerd bad? Saying I notice you’re a nerd is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Linsey Lohan. Why is that? In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself."


"…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’."

And finally, as Wil Wheaton said,