On Soul mates and Best friends

When I'm friends with someone, it's usually not for long. I mean, I have 'friends' that I've known my entire life. I have 'friends' that I've talked to on and off since middle school. But when I'm friends with someone, I invest myself into the relationship. I give 100% of myself to them. And then I burn out. And I realize that the whole time, I was 100% invested, while they were only around 45% invested. And that hurts. A lot.

Most of my friendships only last around a year because of this. We start off as acquaintances; classmates, camp-mates, band kids, stuff like that. We start talking during whatever stuck us together. We decide it'd be fun to hang out after class/band/camp/ect. We bond over movies/Chinese food/mutual hatred/ect. I don't have any other friends, so I only talk to them for a while. I try really hard not to be obsessive. I don't text first. I let them choose when/where/how often we hang out. But they know that if they EVER need anything, I'll be right there. And a lot of people take advantage of that. And that hurts. A lot.

But I met my current friend, Jacob, on Travel Camp almost three years ago. We didn't talk much that year, but we talked enough to be slightly more than acquaintances. Prom of my junior year, I was friends with this guy, Caleb, who I also met on Travel Camp, and I liked him. I asked him to prom, and he said yes, and I was excited. I had my dress altered and had told him what color it was. I reminded him several times about the date (he needed reminded about things- a lot.) and he said he was going. Two weeks before prom, I asked him if he had his tux. He said no. I, for good reason, was concerned. He then informed me that he thought I was joking about prom this whole time. And that hurt. A lot.

So at this point, I'm very emotional. I was on Facebook, venting to my mom. For some reason, I was talking to Jacob, and I brought this whole ordeal up. I asked him, half jokingly, to go with me. And he did. And we had a lovely time.

Hover hand. Because we're cool.

The whole gang! It was an interesting night.

After prom, we talked on Facebook a lot. We moved from acquaintances to friends. We had Nerdfightaria in common, as well as a deep love for the internet. He became the friend that understood things no one else I knew would understand.

This continued through the summer, but less. We went on Travel Camp together and we had a lovely time. Maverick and Kaitlyn also hung out with us on TC, and it made for a lovely 11 days in Canada.

Mav, Jacob, a weird Santa statue, Kaitlyn, and me on Travel Camp :)

We decided to get together and watch scary movies once a month. Mav and Kaitlyn were always busy, so Jacob and I did so without them. It was pleasant. Then we got busy and skipped it. That sucked.

Around Christmas we had another movie night. Ever since then, we've just talked ALL THE TIME.

He went to prom with me again this year. It was lovely and my dress looked fantastic.

We look so swag-tastic. And by we, I mean I.

My group of friends (who are entirely different than the ones I had last year) enjoyed his presence, so we hung out with them several other times. I hung out with his friends once, but they all function as a group and I don't like that many people at once. Regardless, we have moved from friends to best friends.

I was talking to Megan at the museum one day, and she insisted that Jacob and I would someday date. That sounds absolutely revolting. But, as it turns out, a lot of people think this. His mom, my mom, my dad, my sister, my grandma, my boss, my 'friends' at school, and pretty much anyone who has ever seen the two of us together ever. It's annoying.

But Megan also said something to me one day that stuck. We had been discussing Jacob and I's not dating, and she said something along the lines of "People don't always marry their soul mates." That just made so much sense! Jacob and I just sort of fit together. It's easy to see how everyone would think that we could make a good couple, but there is NO physical attraction from either of us to either of us. If anything, we're in love with each other's brains.

So basically, I just told you the entire story of Jacob and I's friendship to tell you: We are not dating, nor will we ever be. It has been officially recorded on the interwebs as an official, written in stone thing.

I leave you with this quote that I heard on Criminal Minds earlier this evening.

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." William Somerset Maugham

**Edit**
I just found this picture on Pinterest. It belongs here.

Here it is.

Right now, I'm laying on my bed with no bedding on it because it's in the wash. Right now, I'm typing this blog post that I wanted to post yesterday, but felt like Wil Wheaton's post needed to be made, and I hate chain-posting. Right now, I'm checking my Facebook to see if the kind lady that lives next door to my grandma can hem my dress for graduation. Right now, I'm not crying.

Every year, for as long as someone I know has been graduating, I have cried most of the month of May. I cry at last concerts, last Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, pep bands, ect. Pretty much, I was just an emotional wreck. And now it's my turn. This thing that I've been waiting for for 13 years is here. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go to school for about 3 hours before we have our Senior barbecue and do a run through of graduation, and I haven't shed a single tear. I always thought that I'd be really emotional about leaving, but as John Green said in Paper Towns "It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” And he's right. I've been waiting to leave for so long, I can't imagine it as anything other than easy right now.

Most classes bond during their senior year. They have senior bonfires and senior pranks, senior skip day, cheesey "I'm going to miss you so much why weren't we friends sooner" moments, the works. But our class hasn't done that. And with 3 hours left, I don't think we will. But I think it's because we already did. Usually that kind of fake bonding is great for the end of things. It's a chance to help influence how people are going to remember you. But our class has already done all of that. When Jacob died, our class pulled together. Whether you hated or loved Jacob, or anyone in our class for that matter, you came together and helped each other through it. Not everyone was mourning the loss of Jacob, something some people just didn't understand, but we were all in a state of grieving. I, personally, for my grandpa, who had just passed away. So we did all of this fake bonding as we sat together and cried for a few days, and now we're just left with the "I know you're not that way so don't bother" stages. We all hate each other. We all want out. None of us want to come back. It's just so much different than the way I've always pictured the end of my senior year going.

But as John Green also said in Paper Towns, "Things never happen the way you imagine them. But if you never imagine, they never happen at all."

What kind of Nerd are you?

Wil Wheaton was speaking at a convention over the weekend at the Calgary Comic Expo, and he gave a nifty little speech.




I follow the Wheaton's on Twitter, like a good little nerd, and Anne retweeted the link to this. I saw that people were saying it was a "must watch", so I watched it. And I may have teared up a bit. But it made me start to think, what kind of a nerd am I?


Well I've never seen Firefly or any of the Sherlock's. I've seen the Star Wars movies, but most things I know about it, I've learned from what others have said online. I only liked Star Trek: The Next Generation (in which Wil Wheaton played Wesley Crusher, unrelatedly). I've never played Dungeons and Dragons or any of the 'nerdy' games (video or otherwise). Needless to say, I'm not a good nerd.


In fact, I never would have ever really labeled myself as a nerd without stumbling across John and Hank Green. They basically just said, "It's okay that you aren't a _____, we think you're pretty awesome!" They introduced me to Nerdfightaria, and for the first time in the miserable middle/high school experience, I felt completely comfortable being me. Granted, I have only ever met one or two other Nerdfighters. But still, it's nice to have a place, especially on the internet, where you feel accepted for who you are. Nerdfighters have a website called Your Pants where you can just type in any sort of group and it will come up with all sorts of niches of Nerdfighteria. There are ones by state, gender, sexuality, religion, high school groups, occupation, and any other likes and interests you can think of. And you don't have to pick just one, you can be a part of as many of them as you'd like! I haven't visited there in a while, but I like to hope it's still as awesome as it was.
John Green has given the world some great quotes about being a nerd.

"Why is being a nerd bad? Saying I notice you’re a nerd is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Linsey Lohan. Why is that? In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself."


"…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’."

And finally, as Wil Wheaton said,

Senioritis

When it hits, it hits hard. For the Aurora High School graduating class of 2013, senioritis has sunk it's claws into our spirit. Even the top of the class, the ones that have always been the front of the pack, has began to drag. With just 16 days left, we're all ready to leave. I only have one class a day, so imagine how much I don't want to be there. I go to band and choir, then I come sit in the guidance office (aka the senior sanctuary) for a class, then I go eat lunch at my grandma's and aide at the museum, before coming back to school for College World Lit and Language. Talk about sucking! It's not a terrible class. I actually really like the discussions we get into, but this multi-genre is killing me slowly.
That's what I should be doing right now. I'm sitting here in my empty block, left behind when I dropped out of College Algebra. I'm supposed to use it as a study hall, but I mostly just use it to play around online. I check Facebook and Twitter every 5-10 minutes, Tumblr is blocked on the school network, my Pandora radios are all perfectly customized, my graduation party has been planned to every little detail, but I'll always find something that needs to be done that isn't my English homework. I like to think it's a senior thing, but it's probably just a me thing.
So what else am I doing to fill my time lately? The musical's over, the party's all planned, the museum only has one or two projects for me to work on (Reading all of the Aurora newspapers from 1905 and 1906 and filing 1,000 probate records. My life rocks.) so that all takes up my time until about 5 o'clock. That still leaves 7-9 hours of my day to fill! Well, I spend a lot of time with my friend Jacob. I watch a lot of Netflix. I hang out at my grandma's. I lay in my room doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes I literally sit in my room and stare at the clock, watching it inch closer to graduation. It's getting pathetic, really. (Side note: only 303 more hours until I walk across the stage!) I feel like at this point, no one should expect anything of me. I took a week off of work right after graduation. I'm going to sleep until noon. Maybe I'll do some laundry. Maybe I'll get caught up on Dr. Who. Maybe I'll get through 5 more generations on Sims 2. But I'm not going to do anything that is vitally important. No papers, no tests, no quizzes, no working, and no schedules. I am going to take a one week vacation and just do nothing.
*flashes forward a few days to when I remembered this forgotten draft*
My mom and I went to Grand Island this afternoon to buy scrapbook stuff for all my pictures. We spent a whole hour in those three isles of Hobby Lobby, talking about all the cool pictures I have. I've reached the point in graduation party planning where I'm trying to figure out how I can use this party to show the world how I view things. I don't want people to just show up, sign the scrapbook, eat some cake, and move on. I want people to learn something about me. Be it learning that I have two different colored eyes, learning how my life has looked through my eyes, or my deep thoughts on nerding out, I want people to learn something. I feel like if there is one thing people take away from meeting me, it's that we should constantly be learning.
Of course, I say this as I avoid doing my English project(s), so what do I know.

Questions!

So I've been trying to come up with things to blog about on here. I thought about talking about my life (graduation, prom, best friend-om, museum stuff, English class, etc). Then one day (every day) I was on Tumblr and someone had reblogged this. I blogged it for finding purposes, and now I'm going to answer all 23 of these questions! It's like middle school on Facebook all over again!!!

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think it's easier to look into their eyes while I'm talking than when I'm listening. I mean, where are you supposed to look when the other person is talking???
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
I think it would be safe to assume it had something to do with my dad's girlfriend's existence.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
Oh geez. Well, I'm assuming help has already been called. I would either call my grandma or my best friend, Jacob. Jacob would probably be like, "What the hell do you want? I have better things to do than listen to you. I hate you!" and as much as I would love for that to be our last conversation, I think I'd want some love from my grandma in those final moments.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I would tell the people that I think need to know. I probably wouldn't put it on Facebook or Twitter or on here. I'd probably spend a lot of time reading and making bad decisions with my friends. I would most definitely not go to school. That's the only thing I know for sure.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
I would choose trust. If I had to marry someone based on this question, I would choose the person I trust over the person I love any day. Love can get messy and painful and is often not worth it, especially if you can't trust the person you love. If I trust someone, I'm trusting that they aren't going to hurt me. They're going to take care of me and we could be happy together for a long, long time.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
1) There is no canal near me, so this is highly unlikely. 2) I can't swim. 3) I would never work for someone who doesn't understand my loose relationship with time. 4) I'd just call 911. Poor puppy!
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
Love. If you're hurt by someone you trust, it hurts so much more because you were trusting that they wouldn't do that. It's almost expected to be hurt by the one you love.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
Holy poop. This is something that everyone I know is asking me lately. He's someone I really trust. I know he'll always be there for me and will always watch my back, and I for him. I think I've already fallen in love with him, but not in that way. If he told me that he loved me (which is unlikely to happen) I would be completely baffled. I would, for once in my life, be speechless.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
In a heartbeat, so long as I get to spend that one hour with him. I don't honestly see the value in my own life, so to sacrifice a year of my life to spend even a minute more with my grandpa would mean the world to me.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Heck no! I'm indecisive, moody, unpredictable, and rude. I have no filter for my thoughts or actions, and I don't care if what I say hurts someone. I would cry if I had a friend like me. But on the other side, I devote everything to whoever I'm with. They have my full attention and care, 24/7. I guess I'd take me, as long as I knew the side effects.
11. Does love = sex?
Most certainly not. I love my sister, but NOT like that. I love Jacob, but not like that either. And making love is not the same as having sex. A person can have sex with anyone, but you can only make love to someone you're in love with.
12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
I think I would. Chances are, my boss would be able to give me a glowing review for any potential employers because of that act of kindness. It's just a job anyhow.
13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
I don't know, actually. I say a lot of brutally honest things to people every day, but it's never been very difficult. I'm kind of thinking of this as telling something to someone I care about, and I don't tell people I care about what I honestly think. I'd scare a lot of friends off.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
I think it's harder to tell someone you don't love them back. As much of a rude person as I can be, I don't like to break other people's hearts. I'd honestly probably just go along with it for a long time before I finally had to say something.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Material or other? If we're talking material things, I'd say internet. It's how I keep in touch with friends, family, and even strangers. It's how I stay up to date on current events, and how I entertain myself. Non-material things, I'd have to say my cat. I love that little guy so much. I would cry for days if I lost him.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
I tell my grandma I love her every day. I didn't tell my grandpa I loved him the last time I saw him, so I'm trying to make sure that never happens again.
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
I don't know. Probably last Saturday night, after prom. I'd try and milk a little more fun out of the night. :)
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Probably? I don't really know. I don't know CPR, and I don't have one of those mask things. I don't know if I'd save anyone. I have very little value for human life. There's so many of us!
19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
I'd let go of my grandma. She has led a very long, happy life, and I think she would rather go on to see Grandpa again. Besides, it'd be so selfish of me to save her for my own personal sake and let someone's baby die.
20. Are you old fashioned?
Without a doubt.
21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I'm not sure. I try to be a generally friendly person to people I meet. 
22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
I think if I could wish to do anything in the world, I would want to get paid to learn. I don't want to be told what I have to learn though, I just want to learn what I want when I want.

So there we have it! 23 things you've been DYING to know about me!

Grab a cardigan and go live life.

Sometimes I forget that I wrote a blog post at 2:00 am, so when I'm about to make a new post a week or so later, it pops up and I need to finish it. This is one of those times. So, enjoy this.

Just yesterday Mary, Julia, and I were saying we wished we were blogging more. I suddenly just developed a list of things to blog about!!
A few weeks ago, Hank Green (of the Vlogbrothers) was visiting the Philip L. Wright Zoological Museum on the University of Montana campus. When he posted a video containing a Miss Emily Graslie, the internet fell in love. Nerdfighters everywhere immediately requested more of her, and more we've gotten. She was given a web show of her own, The Brain Scoop, where she has been working with wolves a lot lately.

She, and others!, made this video this week. (CAUTION! It's very gross.) After watching, I began thinking about something very important. What makes animals so different from humans?
I got on Tumblr and asked this question, and she responded so much sooner than I anticipated. It honestly seems a little incomprehensible to me that someone I admire so much read something I wrote, AND responded to it.

I bet you're currently trying to figure out why I admire this lady so much. And also why I tweeted about this ordeal 5 times in 20 minutes, as well as posting about it on Facebook, and am now blogging about it. In all honesty, I'm not sure.

My whole life, I have loved history with a passion. I have only fallen asleep in a history class once (we were watching a really boring video, not my fault) and I'm always at the front of the class paying attention. Because of this, I'm like a walking book of random stories, facts, and trivia that I've absorbed. My mom has been telling me, for several years, that I should go up to our local museum (the Plainsman Museum) and volunteer. Since my mom was telling me to do it, I assumed it would suck, so I never did. I have never regretted that decision more than in the last few weeks!
The first week or two of January, I went in and asked if I could volunteer there. Megan Sharp, aka the slightly older version of me, seemed genuinely excited by this and said I was welcome whenever I wanted to be there. Starting the following Tuesday, I have been there every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and most Fridays since. I'm estimating that I have spent close to 150 hours there in the last three months. This is on top of school, musical practice, and my actual job, but it's been the best 150 hours I can imagine. Obviously, I was born to be in a museum.
I did a little soul searching and decided that this is what I'm meant to do. I NEED to find a way to get paid to be in a museum, cleaning antique bowls, cataloging newspaper articles, researching local families, I need to do this forever. I feel like I am incredibly lucky to have found what I believe to be my life's calling at the ripe, young age of 17.

How does this all tie in with a lady with feather earrings and a scalpel picking away at a rotting wolf's pelt? Emily Graslie feels the same way about zoology and taxidermy as I do about my little museum. She loves it so much that after she graduated with a degree in painting, she went back to school to get a degree to allow her to get paid to work at the museum. That's right, she doesn't get paid to do all of this nifty stuff either. I guess that's why I like her so much. We're floating in alarmingly similar boats. Except hers just went from being a 'me' to being a celebrity in the eyes of Nerdfightaria. Emily and Hank and Michael and everyone else who supports these videos are the reason I even thought of going into Museum Studies! She was kind of the eye-opener that said, "Hey. If you really love it, don't talk yourself out of it. It's not just for old people anymore. Grab your cardigan and go live life!

Leadership, or my apparent lack thereof.

In case you were unaware, I'm in the second semester of my senior year. (78 days left until graduation!) This entails A LOT of essay writing. I was fortunate enough to get accepted to the only college I applied to and also received their top scholarship, the Board of Trustees Scholarship. It covers all of my tuition and I think fees, but I'm not sure. Interestingly enough, room and board costs more than tuition. Sensical? No. But thus continues the scholarship hunt!

There are literally thousands of scholarships out there. At least a third of them have something to do with 'leadership' in the requirements. My resume consists of a C average grade point average, 8 years of clarinet, and nothing else that is particularly exemplary. (Unless being a Nerdfighter and an avid Internet-surfer gets me anywhere.) Needless to say, there's not much 'leadership' happening here.

So most nights after midnight, I get really nostalgic and philosophical. (Incidentally, it's 1:15 as I type this. Coinkydink? No.) One night I was up thinking about my lack of leadership roles, and I remembered a conversation I had with a friend during one of my classes that day. My friend, Trey, and I were talking about some good times we've had with some of our other friends. These friends are the type that guidance counselors parents, and public service announcements on NTV tell you to stay away from. One was literally a convicted arsonists who also taught me everything I might ever need to know about drugs and alcohol. (Including the fact that after you puke because of a particular drink, you never want to drink it again.) We kept talking about all the bad decisions we had all made and he turned to another friend who was not in our group back then, Taylar, and said, "Shalyn was literally my mother for all of freshman year." Then it dawned on me, THAT'S my leadership role!

I was never president or officer of any group. I didn't run in the right circles. I got caught up in a bad crowd, but I managed to pull myself out of it, pull some others out of it, and keep our heads on (even if slightly tilted). I can honestly say that I kept several friends from dying. One from overdosing on cough cold and congestion pills, though not before he permanently gave himself ulcers. He learned to tame his violent temper by talking to me instead of punching the nearest solid. At least two of my friends would have committed suicide and/or continued self mutilating themselves.

So I tell ya what, Mr. Scholarship Granter, I may not meet all the requirements you want. I may not fit the mold of the perfect child you want to help. But those children's mommies and daddies probably are going to wind up paying for their education after they flunk out from partying when they should be studying. Not me. I have crappy grades because I've spent my entire life caring for someone, practically mothering every friend (and half the family members) I've ever had. I put them before my future. And now I'm paying for that?

No. I refuse to believe the fact that because I've cared, I have to continue suffering. I've given myself ulcers from worrying. I've gone days without sleep to stay up with friends to keep them from killing themselves and still managed to go to all my classes. I was the DD, I was the babysitter, I was the shoulder to cry on, and now I'm going to be the student. I am going to completely separate myself from all of them so I can make my life better for a change. Now don't deny me the opportunity to finally make my life better. Or else all of this will have been for nothing, and I can't accept that.