Coming Home

Labor Day weekend was a 4 1/2 day weekend for me, so I opted to go home. Here are some thoughts I had last Thursday night as I lay in my bed.

          "This whole idea of coming home is really strange. 3 weeks ago, I couldn't imagine being comfortable anywhere else. I had my little nest built here, and it was cozy. I picked out all the main pieces of my nest and headed off. I found a home for all my things and ended up with a brand-new nest that was incredibly cozy! I settled in without realizing it. I developed new patterns and habits. I adapted to sharing my nest with someone I wouldn't have ever even talked to. But I kept thinking, "I want to go home."

          As I was turning towards Nebraska City, I thought about how easily I could just turn around and not come home. Dad didn't know I was coming. Risa probably wouldn't care. Jacob was being cranky. Plus, it'd be cheaper. But I thought about how much I've missed Jacob and my room, so I continued.

          When I walked in the ever-unlocked front door, Dad and Risa both seemed so happy to see me, but I didn't feel anything. It felt like coming home after a long day of school. Nothing too spectacular.

          I looked around. Nothing much had changed, but everything felt different. The fridge has been cleared of my childhood trophies to make room for Crystal's plans for the future. The milk was in a different spot in the fridge. My mug wasn't in the cupboard. It was just little things.

          To Dad and Risa, nothing had changed. Having me back wasn't much different. But coming back, that's so much different. This is no longer my home. But neither is my dorm. These next few years, I will be a drifter. Both physically and metaphorically. I have a place to stay when the dorms are closed, I'll have a permanent address to have my things mailed to, but I won't have a home.

          For the last few weeks, I've looked forward to laying on my bed. As I lay here now, I just want to leave. The idea of coming back again is more stressful than the idea of leaving ever was."

Goodbyes are hard.

As the last 12 hours of summer arrive, I realize I haven't blogged much since graduation. I would apologize to my readers, but I doubt anyone has actually noticed.
Tomorrow morning I will get up when my sister is getting ready for school so I can tell her goodbye. I will put the last of my things into my car, and I will go to Aurora to say my goodbyes before getting onto I-80 and heading off to Peru. The mechanics of it are simple, but the idea that I'm about to do it is almost too much to bear.
Jacob came over tonight to watch Dr. Who. I wasn't (and still am not) done packing, so we ended up doing that instead. I realized about half way through packing that this was the first time I've had to pack by myself. Usually my mom or my aunt Linda is helping me. Making sure I never take a box to the car that can fit one more thing into it, and making sure I'll be able to find my things until I'm fully unpacked. But this time, it was all me.
We never got around to watching Dr. Who. Instead we went for a drive. The last drive before I leave. When I suggested it, I was half joking. But when he agreed, the realization settled over us both, and we bolted out to his truck. Desperate to fit in one last drive.
As we pulled into my driveway and I reached for the handle, I turned to say goodbye. Usually it's just a simple "See you later!" But as I tried to pull the words out of my mouth, I could only think, "I'll see you next month." I felt the idea of the tears start to well up, and ,realizing he's never seen me cry before, I hopped out of the truck and went inside.
My cat followed me upstairs and I picked him up. He just stared at me with his big, green eyes. Owly eyes as my grandma calls them. I just looked at him, remembering him as a baby and how he's grown before my eyes. All the changes and purrs I'll miss. It's so silly to be emotional about leaving a cat, but here I am, bawling like a baby. Two down, two to go.

I have to stop and see Grandma before I leave. That woman has done so much for me in my life, but especially in the last few years. Tuesday while I was at work, she filled a laundry hamper with laundry soap, dryer sheets, a roll of quarters, a package of paper plates, a pack of paper bowls, a pack of Styrofoam cups, a baggie full of silverware, a bottle of dish soap, a roll of paper towels, a pack of scrubbing pads, a box of tea, and a bag of my favorite chips. She also gave me an ottoman out of the camper with a set of her towels from the camper and the set of towels my aunt took to college. She's done so much for me, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to thank her enough.
I also have to stop by the museum on my way out of town. I'll be saying goodbye to the place as much as, if not more than, to Megan. She's so lovely. She's been there for me through the crazy scholarship period, the extreme Senioritis, the summer slump, the long nights, and the thought filled days. She and her family have loved me with open arms and warm smiles. Walking into that museum was one of the best choices I could have ever made, and I'm so glad I did it. I'm just bummed I won't be able to make it to coffee one last time before I go! Those boys have given me so much knowledge and so many smiles. 

Having to say goodbye to your 4 best friends (one of which is definitely not a cat) in a 12 hour time period is hard. I've tried really hard to not think about tomorrow for a good six months, but now here it is. Staring me in the face. As a lovely childhood song would say, "Can't go around it. Gotta go through it."

I know that it's only a 2 hour and 45 minute drive to come home. I know that I'll be back in the next few weeks to come to the State Fair. I know I'll be back next month for my dad's birthday and the museum's big weekend. But this is, without a doubt, the scariest month of my life so far. I'm going to a strange new place, full of strange new people, not knowing a single soul, without my mom to make my bed, and without my grandpa to hold my hand.
Oh, God. I have the ugliest cry face. I hope I can hold it together tomorrow.

When I am old and grey. . .

When I am old and grey, I will look back on this summer and smile. Perhaps with a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
It started with an adventure to a place I fell in love with.  I came back to an adventure with a great friend. It continued with the same great friend.
I made good money at a nice enough job, with pleasant people. I got wonderful advice from a fantastic friend at a place that I love.
I discovered a lot about myself and who I am. My best friend and I spent a lot of time driving aimlessly, talking, and watching Dr. Who.
I got back into a state of mind that let me be creative and comfortable, and to help me get back into writing and drawing and painting. It also helped me free my inhibitions about about public singing- though I've been sounding pretty pitchy lately.
I've snuck a boy in and around my house, and he has slept in my bed on occasion.
I went to Wal-Mart at 10:30 at night and locked the keys in the car with a great friend. And after that was fixed, we drove around until 4 am.
We celebrated being friends for 3 years. We fought off the hordes of people insisting that we date. We learned to read each other's moods and actions and glances. We memorized each other's habits and fears. We truly became each other's soul mates.
Someday I will either be happy or sad about all of this. Either thinking about this great summer with Jacob will break my heart, or warm it. Maybe we'll still be friends, maybe not. Maybe he'll die too soon. Maybe we'll be married. Maybe we'll stop being friends. Maybe we've changed. Maybe we'll be essentially the same people. Is Jacob out West? Am I out East? Do we meet in the middle?
In 15 years, we'll have been friends longer than not. I like to hope so at least. I like to believe that when two people fit together as well as we do, that they stay friends for a long, long time.

Words from my head.

I swear, I have more blog posts saved as drafts than I do posts that I've posted. I cannot promise any of those drafts to be finished and posted in a timely manner. I leave for college in one month and three days. Holy macaroni.

I've been doing a lot of journaling lately, and thought the world might like to hear some of my 'power lines' that I hope to stem a story of sorts off of, along with some 'Shalyn-isms' as Jacob likes to call them. The following messages have been edited by my discretion. I do not care what you think of them, but I hope you enjoy them.

July 6th, 2013

Religion is a funny thing. I can't honestly say I do or do not believe in God or Buddha or whatever, but I've grown up in Christianity, so it's a comforting idea. But I think this Jesus fellow would like me. Not because I say my prayers and all that, but because I am exactly who he's meant for me to be. I think if God's real, he made all of us exactly the way we were meant to be. He intended for many to stray and/or be terrible humans. He knows what he's doing. We really need to stop hating on each other. We're all right.

July 8th, 2013

SURPRISE! Jacob-isms happen too! Enjoy this one.

"The emotions are what make you you."

And one from an unremembered date.

"I think you're a real friend, but a fake bitch."

July 3rd, 2013

". . . everything seemed to have this gentle glow, like it was showing off for me."

"I want someone to be laying in the sun, quietly reading with me. I want someone to put their arm around me when the sunset chills roll in. I want someone to curl up in blankets with me and talk as the moon comes up . I want someone to look at me the way I look at the sunsets and the moon and the beaches. I want someone to look at me and smile because I am the best thing in their world."

July 11th, 2013

"They threw each other wayward looks, but never at the same time.

They read the same books, but at different paces.

Everything fit but the timing.

Perhaps someday they'd see the same thing at the same time.

But today was not that day."

"How lucky are we to have found each other so early.

How sad that it can't work out.

How hopeful for what's to come."

". . .It would be the beginning of a beautiful thing. 

But beautiful things always end in sorrow.

So for now, it's best that you don't."

On Soul mates and Best friends

When I'm friends with someone, it's usually not for long. I mean, I have 'friends' that I've known my entire life. I have 'friends' that I've talked to on and off since middle school. But when I'm friends with someone, I invest myself into the relationship. I give 100% of myself to them. And then I burn out. And I realize that the whole time, I was 100% invested, while they were only around 45% invested. And that hurts. A lot.

Most of my friendships only last around a year because of this. We start off as acquaintances; classmates, camp-mates, band kids, stuff like that. We start talking during whatever stuck us together. We decide it'd be fun to hang out after class/band/camp/ect. We bond over movies/Chinese food/mutual hatred/ect. I don't have any other friends, so I only talk to them for a while. I try really hard not to be obsessive. I don't text first. I let them choose when/where/how often we hang out. But they know that if they EVER need anything, I'll be right there. And a lot of people take advantage of that. And that hurts. A lot.

But I met my current friend, Jacob, on Travel Camp almost three years ago. We didn't talk much that year, but we talked enough to be slightly more than acquaintances. Prom of my junior year, I was friends with this guy, Caleb, who I also met on Travel Camp, and I liked him. I asked him to prom, and he said yes, and I was excited. I had my dress altered and had told him what color it was. I reminded him several times about the date (he needed reminded about things- a lot.) and he said he was going. Two weeks before prom, I asked him if he had his tux. He said no. I, for good reason, was concerned. He then informed me that he thought I was joking about prom this whole time. And that hurt. A lot.

So at this point, I'm very emotional. I was on Facebook, venting to my mom. For some reason, I was talking to Jacob, and I brought this whole ordeal up. I asked him, half jokingly, to go with me. And he did. And we had a lovely time.

Hover hand. Because we're cool.

The whole gang! It was an interesting night.

After prom, we talked on Facebook a lot. We moved from acquaintances to friends. We had Nerdfightaria in common, as well as a deep love for the internet. He became the friend that understood things no one else I knew would understand.

This continued through the summer, but less. We went on Travel Camp together and we had a lovely time. Maverick and Kaitlyn also hung out with us on TC, and it made for a lovely 11 days in Canada.

Mav, Jacob, a weird Santa statue, Kaitlyn, and me on Travel Camp :)

We decided to get together and watch scary movies once a month. Mav and Kaitlyn were always busy, so Jacob and I did so without them. It was pleasant. Then we got busy and skipped it. That sucked.

Around Christmas we had another movie night. Ever since then, we've just talked ALL THE TIME.

He went to prom with me again this year. It was lovely and my dress looked fantastic.

We look so swag-tastic. And by we, I mean I.

My group of friends (who are entirely different than the ones I had last year) enjoyed his presence, so we hung out with them several other times. I hung out with his friends once, but they all function as a group and I don't like that many people at once. Regardless, we have moved from friends to best friends.

I was talking to Megan at the museum one day, and she insisted that Jacob and I would someday date. That sounds absolutely revolting. But, as it turns out, a lot of people think this. His mom, my mom, my dad, my sister, my grandma, my boss, my 'friends' at school, and pretty much anyone who has ever seen the two of us together ever. It's annoying.

But Megan also said something to me one day that stuck. We had been discussing Jacob and I's not dating, and she said something along the lines of "People don't always marry their soul mates." That just made so much sense! Jacob and I just sort of fit together. It's easy to see how everyone would think that we could make a good couple, but there is NO physical attraction from either of us to either of us. If anything, we're in love with each other's brains.

So basically, I just told you the entire story of Jacob and I's friendship to tell you: We are not dating, nor will we ever be. It has been officially recorded on the interwebs as an official, written in stone thing.

I leave you with this quote that I heard on Criminal Minds earlier this evening.

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." William Somerset Maugham

**Edit**
I just found this picture on Pinterest. It belongs here.

Here it is.

Right now, I'm laying on my bed with no bedding on it because it's in the wash. Right now, I'm typing this blog post that I wanted to post yesterday, but felt like Wil Wheaton's post needed to be made, and I hate chain-posting. Right now, I'm checking my Facebook to see if the kind lady that lives next door to my grandma can hem my dress for graduation. Right now, I'm not crying.

Every year, for as long as someone I know has been graduating, I have cried most of the month of May. I cry at last concerts, last Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, pep bands, ect. Pretty much, I was just an emotional wreck. And now it's my turn. This thing that I've been waiting for for 13 years is here. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go to school for about 3 hours before we have our Senior barbecue and do a run through of graduation, and I haven't shed a single tear. I always thought that I'd be really emotional about leaving, but as John Green said in Paper Towns "It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” And he's right. I've been waiting to leave for so long, I can't imagine it as anything other than easy right now.

Most classes bond during their senior year. They have senior bonfires and senior pranks, senior skip day, cheesey "I'm going to miss you so much why weren't we friends sooner" moments, the works. But our class hasn't done that. And with 3 hours left, I don't think we will. But I think it's because we already did. Usually that kind of fake bonding is great for the end of things. It's a chance to help influence how people are going to remember you. But our class has already done all of that. When Jacob died, our class pulled together. Whether you hated or loved Jacob, or anyone in our class for that matter, you came together and helped each other through it. Not everyone was mourning the loss of Jacob, something some people just didn't understand, but we were all in a state of grieving. I, personally, for my grandpa, who had just passed away. So we did all of this fake bonding as we sat together and cried for a few days, and now we're just left with the "I know you're not that way so don't bother" stages. We all hate each other. We all want out. None of us want to come back. It's just so much different than the way I've always pictured the end of my senior year going.

But as John Green also said in Paper Towns, "Things never happen the way you imagine them. But if you never imagine, they never happen at all."

What kind of Nerd are you?

Wil Wheaton was speaking at a convention over the weekend at the Calgary Comic Expo, and he gave a nifty little speech.




I follow the Wheaton's on Twitter, like a good little nerd, and Anne retweeted the link to this. I saw that people were saying it was a "must watch", so I watched it. And I may have teared up a bit. But it made me start to think, what kind of a nerd am I?


Well I've never seen Firefly or any of the Sherlock's. I've seen the Star Wars movies, but most things I know about it, I've learned from what others have said online. I only liked Star Trek: The Next Generation (in which Wil Wheaton played Wesley Crusher, unrelatedly). I've never played Dungeons and Dragons or any of the 'nerdy' games (video or otherwise). Needless to say, I'm not a good nerd.


In fact, I never would have ever really labeled myself as a nerd without stumbling across John and Hank Green. They basically just said, "It's okay that you aren't a _____, we think you're pretty awesome!" They introduced me to Nerdfightaria, and for the first time in the miserable middle/high school experience, I felt completely comfortable being me. Granted, I have only ever met one or two other Nerdfighters. But still, it's nice to have a place, especially on the internet, where you feel accepted for who you are. Nerdfighters have a website called Your Pants where you can just type in any sort of group and it will come up with all sorts of niches of Nerdfighteria. There are ones by state, gender, sexuality, religion, high school groups, occupation, and any other likes and interests you can think of. And you don't have to pick just one, you can be a part of as many of them as you'd like! I haven't visited there in a while, but I like to hope it's still as awesome as it was.
John Green has given the world some great quotes about being a nerd.

"Why is being a nerd bad? Saying I notice you’re a nerd is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Linsey Lohan. Why is that? In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself."


"…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’."

And finally, as Wil Wheaton said,