Dear Shalyn of 2009

I wrote this as a Facebook note, but I think it also belongs on my blog. Sorry I haven't posted in forever. Life has been strange. More on that later. For now, a letter to my past self.

Dear Past Shalyn,

First off, people do not make notes on Facebook anymore, but this is probably the best way to reach circa 2009 Shalyn.

Second off, you are a perfect human being. You don't think so, but you are. You are the toughest, strongest, most beautiful person in the world. I know you look in the mirror and pick apart your flaws. I know you wish your acne would clear up long enough to take a decent profile picture. I know you wish you hadn't inherited Grandma's mousey brown hair. I know you think you're too fat. I know. Trust me, I know.

But I want you to take a second and look at yourself from a different perspective. What does your face look like when you smile? Not a 'posing for picture' smile, but a real, genuine smile. Like when one of your friends tells a joke and you can't stop laughing. Notice the way your lip curves. Notice the way your eyes crinkle. Notice the way your nose smooshes up. Notice your big, gummy smile. That smile is so uniquely you, and you would get so many compliments on it if you'd just show it off. I mean, you've got the straightest teeth anyone could ever get without having braces!

Next, look at your arms. I know you think they're flabby and kind of hairy and covered in all these stupid little moles. But again, think about them differently. Think about all the babies you've carried in them. Think of all the buckets of corn you carried out to the sheep. Think of the things you've lifted when people thought you couldn't. You are strong. Stronger than a lot of people think.

Now, look at your belly. It's kind of pudgy. It's soft, and smooth, and covered in stretch marks from where your hips grew too fast. It's pale from being covered all your life. That's okay. But you don't need to hide it. It's a really cute belly. You've got great hips and a distinct waist. Play that up instead of wearing XL t-shirts to cover it.

Look to your hair now. Look at how long and thick and full it is. I know you think it's an ugly color and that it waves weird, but you can change it to suit you if you'd like. Add some nice soft highlights, dye it red, dye it deep brown, dye it blonde, do whatever. Learn to straighten it, learn to curl it, learn to put it in a cute bun. You've been blessed with hair that grows ridiculously fast and full and shiny, and you get minimal split ends. Girls all over the world are begging for your hair. Love it.

Enough about looks. Let's move on to how incredibly tough you are.

You have not had it easy so far. Yes, people have had it much worse, but we're not talking about them. You have been through so much in your short life, and you will go through so much more. It will be hard, and a lot of times you'll want to quit. But if you keep going, things eventually get easier. When you weed out the negative people in your life and surround yourself with loving, caring people, things seem a lot better. When you start going to therapy regularly and take your medicine, things get even better. You are more than a chemical imbalance. And the fact that you have gotten so far with an untreated mental illness is just remarkable. You go girl.

I'm going to level with you. Things get worse before they get better. In fact, you almost die. You are left with permanent scars and constant pain. You have several mental breakdowns. You spend a lot of time crying in your room. You go to some really dark places. But you'll pull through. You'll go through rigorous physical therapy for months. You'll go to counseling every week for a long time. But most importantly, you come out on top because you are smart, and tough, and strong.

Your friend group will change a million times in the next 5 years or so, and probably more after that. But don't worry, your energy is not wasted on them. They are a very important piece of making you who you are. They are what teaches you infallible love and compassion. They teach you how to be a good friend. They teach you a lot of what not to do. Love them. Learn from them. Embrace them. You all need it.

You're going to fall in and out of love a lot. You fall in love easily and wholeheartedly. Never feel bad for telling someone you love them, if more people showed love, the world would be a much better place. You're often going to be the one who loves more, and that's okay. It's going to hurt like hell, but you're tough enough to take it. You're so good at loving. Keep doing it.

I know right now, and for much of the next 5 years, people aren't going to see how beautiful you are. Guys will walk right past you, girls will silently judge you, you will feel like crap. But you know what, screw them. You get hot, girl! Actually, nothing about you physically changes. But you learn to see the beauty in yourself, and that's what matters more than anything.

Love,
2015 Shalyn

A genuine Shalyn smile :)

Googly Hair!!

I've been working on this post for over a month now. Life is so crazy busy!

I find myself constantly typing up these deep and meaningful things on social media, and deleting them before I could hit enter. I realized in the last few years that no one cares what I have to say to the world. I am just another person shouting into the void of the internet, wailing like an infant for attention. The universe is so big, and we all want it to pay attention to us, to make the world work in our favor, but the universe doesn't care. The universe is not in charge of putting two young lovers together any more than it is responsible for tearing them apart. It does not care about your existential crisis or your deadly illness. The universe just keeps doing its thing, and we are a side effect of the universe.

Of course I say this as I wipe buggers from the kid I'm watching's nose and shut the cabinet doors behind him.
This brings me to a good update! This summer I am a nanny for my best friend's older brother and sister-in-law. Andy and Tiffany have two adorable kids, 6 year old Eliana (Ellie) and 1 year old Kase. They make every day a lot of fun, a lot of work, and a lot louder than working at the store like I have the last two years. My days are spent wiping up messes, setting up sprinklers, and cleaning up the house after Ellie and the neighbor kids destroy it.

I'm taking summer classes. Well, I was. I dropped macroeconomics. Whatever in me said I could teach myself that stuff was crazy. I'm currently just taking Childhood through Adolescent Literature. So far we've read the Hunger Games books and Carbon Diaries 2015. They're all excellent books, but a novel a week on top of other things is just a lot to do.
School has always been a thing that overwhelms me. I can handle a lot, but apparently homework is not something I can handle. I get into this viscous cycle of sleeping when I'm stressed, then becoming stressed that I slept instead of dealing with the thing, then sleeping to cope with the things I need to do. Like I said, viscous cycle.

In other news, I've decided it's time to lose some weight. I'm the biggest I've ever been, and just all around unhappy about that. I have decided to try and lose 45 pounds by May 2015. It's a huge challenge for me, but I'm excited to start this journey. They always say, "Where would you be now if you started a year ago?" I'm tired of wondering this, it's time to find out!

Speaking of hair (I just picked this back up and reread the title), I have pink hair now! I went uptown to Janet at Janet's Family Hair Care and told her I wanted the brightest red she had.
First we bleached it

Then we colored it

And now it looks like this!

   

Which is a big change from this

So yeah. That's what's new with me and my life. 

Best Wishes!

I am alive!

Holy cow. It has been FOREVER since I last posted! I've been working on a blog post, but (and I even said this in that post) nothing I say seems to matter. But today I wrote something that I think might matter.
I found a scholarship from 1-800 Wheelchairs about overcoming adversity. My life has been a cakewalk compared to some people, but writing a 500 word poem about the last year of my life for money didn't sound too bad. I cranked this bad boy out as fast as my fingers could write, then tweaked it as I typed. I thought I'd try it out on you guys before I submit it. Any and all input is appreciated! Enjoy!

Crash by Shalyn Holloway

“I'm a good driver,” I tell him.

That's when I lose control

The car slides sideways,

Hits the concrete,

And sends me rolling.

My car rolls through the air and down the road

Caught by two trees

That save me from falling to my death.

Ow.

My arm beneath me,

My car above me,

I scream for my life.

Help comes finally,

The Jaws of Life push the car from my lap.

My head is bleeding,

My arm lies limp,

Pain is everywhere.

But I'm alive.

The ambulance ride to the hospital,

15 miles away,

Is the longest ride of my life.

It's 3am,

And I just want sleep,

But they make me open my eyes.

They life-flight me to Lincoln,

Where my mom and dad meet me.

Somehow I never cried,

Not one tear.

I awake after surgery,

On a hospital bed.

“We shaved your head,” they say.

My arm is bionic,

My hip is cracked,

My head is bald,

But I'm alive.

Hour upon hour,

Day after day,

Week after week

Therapy is grueling.

Stretching, scraping, building muscles back.

My hand still limp

My nerves are damaged.

They only repair themselves,

A millimeter a day.

School is the last thing I want to do,

But I do it anyway.

I find out who my friends are,

The Peru Crew always by my side.

I begin to get better.

My hair grows,

My scars heal,

My bruises fade,

My hip mends.

I walk for the first time in months,

With tears in my eyes.

I get to loose the braces one by one

Until the doctor says I'm healed.

Back to school I go!

Bogged down with 21 credit hours,

As a freshman.

The load so intense,

I'm driven to tears daily.

But I'm alive.

I spend a lot of time wishing I wasn't.

But that's just the bipolar talking.

I make lists to remind me,

Just how precious life is.

I think of the crash,

And how I survived against the odds.

I should be dead,

But I'm alive.

I think of all the time I've put into getting better

And what a waste it would be if I gave up now.

I think of my family,

My friends,

My best friend, Jacob.

I decide life is worth it,

So I stick around

And I keep fighting.

Against myself,

Against my body,

Against the odds.

Because I am alive.

I dream of my future,

To keep me going forward.

I dream I'm on the East coast,

In a museum,

With my little family.

We go to the beach,

My toes wiggling in the water,

My husband by my side.

Because I am alive.

And I have overcome.

Blessed.

     As I was just laying out in the sun, I can't help but think back to a few months ago when I couldn't even lay down comfortably with all my braces. I couldn't get dressed by myself, I couldn't shower by myself, I couldn't walk, I couldn't cook. It was awful. And I think of where I am today, brace free, jumping, cooking, typing, walking to class; I can't help but think of how blessed I am to be alive.
     I shouldn't be alive. I should have been crushed beneath my car. The blood clot between my skull and my scalp could have been on my brain. I could have gotten an infection in the shattered bones of my broken arm. I could have turned out a lot worse. For only expecting 80% of my function back, I currently have close to 90% of it back, and I gain a little more every week!

     I'm blessed to have the amazing friends that I have. The first week I was in the hospital, Andi, and Rich came up every night but one, each time bringing other friends of ours, Nichole, Dustin, and Chelsea. Jacob also made it a point to come see me as often as possible. Every day I received letters, cards, flowers, Facebook messages, or visitors wishing me nothing but the speediest of recoveries. My aunt and Grandma came up, my cousins took part of their honeymoon to come see me, my mom stayed with me every night, my dad came up every day after work with my little sister, even my brother called to check in on me. I had the most amazing support system I could have ever asked for.

     Not to mention the incredible swiftness of the Peru Volunteer Fire and Rescue team for getting me out from under my car and to the hospital as soon as they did, the skill of the pilot that life-flighted me to Lincoln, and the care of the doctors and nurses in the ER at both Auburn and Bryan LGH East, as well as the skill of the surgeons who operated on me.
     Of course I have many blessings not relating to my accident, too! I have amazing friends like Jacob, who I can talk to at any time about any thing. I have friends like Nichole and Andi who are always around for a good laugh. I have Rich, who is always there to cheer me up when I'm feeling down. I have Megan, who I can look to for advice and guidance, and also do fun crafty projects with. I have family like my grandma, who will always take me in and just let me sit when I need a moment, providing tea and cookies until my heart's content. I have my mom, who I can tell anything without fear of persecution or punishment (at first anyhow). I have my dad, who is always up for a crappy movie at any time of the day or night. I have my baby sister, Risa, who shows me what I'm like, and also how to maintain childlike innocence. I was raised in a wonderful community of people who support and care for each other. I went to a good high school and was part of a superior band and an excellent choir. I currently attend a lovely little school, where I have made some awesome friends and taken some great classes.
I've been incredibly blessed in the last year, to say the least. I've made great friends, went great places, and lived through incredible circumstances.
I can't wait to see what the next year has to bless me with!

Grandpa

First off, WOW! I just logged on to see I have 1400 page views! Thanks to all of you!

I'm currently in a speech class, and had to write an introductory speech for someone, but couldn't use any online sources. How, in today's world, can I do that? Do a speech about someone you know, of course! My grandpa passed away on January 5th, 2011, but I chose to do my speech on this amazing man anyhow. He was such a wonderful influence in my life, and I think of him often. He will forever be someone I strive to be like, and I hope I can be half as awesome as he. I only wish I had more time with him . . .

That being said, here is my speech introducing my grandpa, Robert "Bob" Holloway.

     Dedication is a quality everyone strives to achieve, and Robert “Bob” Holloway seems to have that quality down pat. I'm very proud to admit that Bob is my grandfather, and that he is a man dedicated to his work, his family, and the various clubs he has been a part of throughout his life.
     All his life, Bob always wanted nothing more than to be a farmer. He was an active member of both his 4-H club, and of Future Farmers of America all through high school. Once he graduated high school in 1962, he began his own farm, which eventually built up to a family corporation. When he first started, he farmed by day and worked at a local gas station by night to help make ends meet his daughter-in-law, Sheila, said in an interview. Together, he and his wife built their farm and raised hogs over the course of thirty years. At one time they had over 250 hogs on their hog farm, breeding, raising, and selling them. Picking up 220 pound hogs, turning them around, and sending them on their merry way can take a toll on a person's body, as evident by the many surgeries he had due to injuries sustained by this common activity on the farm.
     In 1989, at the age of 45 he let his son, Stacey, take over the family farm and went to Grand Island to pursue an education in law enforcement at the academy. Once he graduated, he joined the Hamilton County Sheriff's Department in Aurora, Nebraska as Chief Deputy, where he spent twenty years in the same office doing the same job until he retired in 2009, a feat not achieved by many. According to an interview with his daughter-in-law, he earned awards and accolades from many senior officials in the state of Nebraska throughout his twenty year career.
     Even after he turned over the farm to his son, he and his wife could still be found out in the fields in the evenings and on weekends, guiding and assisting his son through harvest, irrigation, and any other farm troubles he may come across. After he reached retirement, he helped out even more, always looking forward to another day on the farm.
     Bob married his high school sweetheart in 1964. His wife, Karen, told me in an interview that they met at school. “Aurora High School isn't very big, and it wasn't back then either,” she said. In 1965, they began their family with a son, Troy, my father, to be later followed by another son, Stacey, and a daughter, Candy. He was a wonderful father as his children grew up, taking them camping and helping them raise their own livestock, as well as leading their 4-H groups and being a FFA sponsor. As his children grew up and had children, his grandkids became his pride and joy and he passed on many of his own passions to them. From fishing and farming, to cars and camping. He always tries his best to make it to every activity, and is always loving and supportive of every choice we make.
     Bob started his first 4-H club before any of his kids were even old enough to join, leading instead kids from the surrounding and near by farms. In the 1970's he even got to take his group on a trip to Canada for a leadership camp.
     In addition to 4-H, he and his wife started the Hamilton County chapter of Junior Pork Producers to help encourage young people to continue raising hogs. They led this group for twenty years before the demand dwindled away and their group dissolved, but not before they set up a scholarship for Hamilton County teens and young adults looking to continue their education in agriculture and agribusiness that is still available today.
     Bob was also on the Hamilton County fair board, holding various positions throughout the years.
     Bob had many interests that didn't involve agriculture though! He loved cars and racing as well. In the mid to late 1960's he brought dirt track stock car racing to Hamilton County, co-owning a car with a friend of his, though he never drove it himself. Instead, he provided 'half time entertainment' of sorts as “Buckin' Bob” with his bobcat, picking up debris from the track and performing various tricks, his son, Troy, told me in an interview. He also started demolition derbies, which he did compete in in the number eleven car. Thankfully, he was never hurt in the derbies, but, “that was one of his stupid moments,” says his wife in an interview.
      To say the least, Bob is a hardworking man. He loves his family, he's dedicated to his job, and he loves sharing his interests and activities with others in the community.
     Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a warm welcome to Bob Holloway.

Rest in peace Grandpa. I know you're keeping a close eye on me. Love, Shalyn.

Thoughts

Lately, I haven't been feeling too creative, which is rough for me. So last night when words were coming, I rolled with it. Here they are for your viewing pleasures.

"3 am is for thoughts.

It's for late night snacks. 

It's for putting off homework. 

It's for remembering. 

It's for you."

"When I hear the 'plink',
I think of summer.
And when I think of summer,
I think of you."

New Year's Resolutions

This post is more for me than anyone else, but I don't think many people read this so no one will mind.
This is my new year's resolutions for 2014:

• Smile more
• Work harder
• Enjoy the moment
• Tag all my Tumblr posts
• Eat healthier
• Ask how others are doing
• Spend more time in museums
• Drive safer/Buckle up
• Draw/paint more
• Tell others how I feel
• Look hella cute all the time
• Stop using internet terms in real life
• More tea, less pop
• Spend more time with friends and less online
• Do homework/projects sooner
• Actually do therapy
• Remember medicines
• Call people when I say I will
• Call home more often
• Take risks, but be smart

I know a lot of these are really vague, but that'll make them easier to accomplish. That's the hope at least. Some of these are going to be easier than others, but I think they're all doable!

Confidence

"One of the most important things I've learned so far at college is probably the most invaluable piece of knowledge I've ever gotten.
I look around at the girls on campus. Some of them are tan and toned, some are chubby, some are so fat they waddle, some are nothing but skin and bones, but they all look nice. And when you look at their faces, they all have some little imperfection. Every single one of them. And they still look nice.
As I sit here going through the album on Facebook that someone put up, full of close-up pictures of people smiling and having fun, I realize that the thing that ultimately makes someone pretty is them believing that they are pretty. I am by no means a super-model, but I have to start realizing that I am pretty. My eyes and nose and mouth are pretty. My face, even with it's acne scars and bumps, is pretty. My smile that reaches up into my eyes that are two different colors, is pretty. My body is as pretty as I present it to be. There are girls all around me with a flabby arms and thunder thighs that are not afraid to wear tank tops and short shorts. Some of them maybe shouldn't show so much, but I commend them for not being afraid of showing their body off to the public. I am more comfortable hiding inside my XL t-shirts and baggy shorts that cover my knees, but I don't need to hide. Somewhere on campus is a guy that would love to see more of me. Not just in the typical 'I want to put my penis inside of you' type, but the 'I want to get to know and love every inch of your skin' kind of way."

I started this post at the beginning of the semester, back in August or September. Now it's December. I've got a broken arm and a shaved head. (More on that in THIS post). The broken arm and wheelchair bound-ness has limited my wardrobe to sweats and t-shirts, which kind of sucks (but is kind of nice). But the shaved head, that has changed my entire look completely.

July of this year

After surgery

November of this year

Luckily, I found that guy I was referring to earlier. When I first saw my reflection without my hair, he was sitting with me. I started crying and he just sat there holding my hand. He told me not to worry because it wasn't even the prettiest part of me. Talk about a great guy. :)
The bottom line is, if I hadn't realized my own beauty, this wreck would have killed me. Not literally, but it would have killed my sense of self worth.
Sure, there are still days when I look in the mirror and want to cry. There are still moments when I see my reflection and say, "Ew." But I still know I'm pretty enough for me, and that's all that really counts.

The Month that Changed My Life

Thursday, October 24th, My friends and I had a "Classy Thursday." We dressed up all day, then got our friend's brother (and my soon to be boyfriend) to throw a Ho's and CEO's party. It was a great day and an even better night. :)

Fancy Thursday

Classy ho's :)

Saturday, October 26th we were in Omaha. We spent the day trying to find my little sister a Halloween costume. We were surprised at supper by my mom and her husband, who were supposed to be in Maine. Once we got back to Peru, we got ready for a costume party. Nichole went as a fox, Andi as a cowgirl, and I as a flapper from the 20's.

Lookin cute!

On Sunday October 27th, at around 2 am, I rolled my car. My (soon to be) boyfriend was with me, but thankfully was not hurt. He climbed out to find me partially ejected, my left arm bent under me, the car across my lap, and dirt coating my face as I screamed for help. Luckily an EMT lived just around the corner and came to sit with me until help came.
After they pulled me out onto the backboard and loaded me up in the ambulance, they took me to Auburn, and then flew me by helicopter to Lincoln's Brian West hospital. I was taken to the trauma ER where my parents met me.

I wasn't looking so great anymore

I went into surgery at 6:30 am to put my shattered humerus back together and to release the softball sized ball of fluid that was trapped between my skull and my scalp from where I hit my head against a tree. (I'll spare you the picture) When I woke up my room in ICU was full of people and machines. Apparently my friends followed me to both hospitals and stayed until my mom sent them home around 9 that morning. They came back that night too. :)

My little sister and Rich never left my side :)

The next few days are a bit of a blur. There were cards, calls, and visits from so many people. There were doctors and nurses and x-rays and needles. There were medications and vitals taken. I was so exhausted, but my friends came to see me almost every day, even if I was miserable company.

My best friend, Jacob, surprised me!

Dustin, Rich, Chelsea, me, Nichole, and Andi
Aka the "Peru Crew"

On Halloween, I was moved up to the rehab floor after finding out I have a fractured pelvis. I was excited to finally get to wear my own clothes!

In rehab, I met some wonderful people. We would all get together to eat and talk about why we were there. It was as much a part of therapy as any of the things the therapists made us do! Being able to see other people in your predicament is a great thing to mentally get you through the rehab!

Marilyn is a special young lady. :) She was in with an amputated foot. This lady has so much spunk, it can't help but cheer you up!

 Dave was in recovering from a stroke. He and I had therapy together most days, and he works so hard to get better! He and his wife, Kelly, live in the tiny town of Peru, where I go to college. It'll be fun to keep in touch with them when I go back to school.

James and Kelly were in a car accident not long after mine. He swerved to miss a deer and their car went off a bridge. Long story short, they're in bad shape -but lucky to be alive! They've been home (sort of) for a few weeks now. Luckily we can still keep in touch. :)







Due to my broken-ness, I couldn't go to school and I couldn't go home. Thankfully, a close friend has opened his home to my mother and I. He's truly a blessing right now!

It's now been 6 1/2 weeks since the accident. My fractured pelvis is almost healed and I've been cleared to start walking on December 19th. My arm is healing nicely, and I've even regained some control of my wrist! It's been a crazy month and a half, but I'm so lucky it happened. I've learned to be more patient and empathetic. I've found out who my real friends are, and who I can always count on. And hey, I got a pretty awesome boyfriend out of all this.
Though I'm not happy it happened, and I definitely regret a lot of choices that put me into this predicament, I will never forget this time in my life, and hopefully it makes me a better person. :)

Be careful what you ask for, It might just come tue

All I wanted was someone to be laying in the sun, quietly reading with me. I wanted someone to put their arm around me when the sunset chills roll in. I wanted someone to curl up in blankets with me and talk as the moon comes up. I wanted someone to look at me the way I look at the sunsets and the moon and the beaches. I wanted someone to look at me and smile because I am the best thing in their world. I wanted someone to give me that special face.
Instead I got someone whose face lights up when he sees me. I got someone who’ll put their arm around me and hold me close before I have to ask. I got someone who’ll hold my hand as I lay in a hospital bed after an accident that could have killed us both. I got someone who truly understands what I've been through. Someone who doesn't have a smile for me, but a whole face lit up as he watches me do the simplest things. I got so much more than I bargained for. And it’s everything I've ever asked for.
Now let's just hope I don't screw it up.

My Obituary.

Once upon a time, I had a mentor named Connie. She's not old, but she's certainly not at the age to go out partying all night anymore. :) She and I were talking one day, and she told me that she has her obituary all written out and her funeral plans all set, just in case.
I've never thought much about it. I mean, I'm 18! I've got the whole world ahead of me! I'm invincible! But earlier today I was thinking about what others must think of me, and how I want to be remembered. So I've decided to write my own obituary as if I died today. This is by no means a cry for help or a suicide note!! It's just a way for me to really think out HOW I want to be remembered so I can assess what I need to change.

Shalyn Mae Holloway

6/12/95 - 9/9/13

Shalyn Holloway of Aurora died on Monday, September 9th, 2013 at the age of 18 years, 2 months, and 27 days.
Shalyn was born to Sheila (Moore) and Troy Holloway in Aurora, Nebraska on June 12, 1995 at 3:33 am, the first of many late nights for her. She attended Aurora Public Schools from kindergarten until her senior year when she graduated with the class of 2013 on May 12th. That fall, she began schooling at Peru State College with plans to major in Museum Sciences.
Shalyn did everything with all she had. If she loved you, she loved all of you most of the time. If she cared about something, she cared with utmost passion. If she laughed, she laughed with her whole heart until tears ran down her face and she began to sound like a whining guinea pig. And when she was mad, she burned the Earth with a passionate rage. She would drop everything to help her friends, and she often did. She sacrificed sleep and sanity, but it was what she loved to do.
Shalyn loved to learn. She'd spend hours sitting quietly with a book and her tea. She watched YouTube videos, memorized random trivia, read obscure articles, anything to learn some quirky fact.
Shalyn was a member of many online communities. She was a Nerdfighter, aiming to decrease the amount of bad in the world, and a fangirl, loving Dr. Who, Sherlock, Supernatural, Warehouse 13, Night Vale Radio, and Star Trek: The Next Generation. She would be incredibly disappointed to have died before she could get caught up on Dr. Who or to have seen Season 3 of Sherlock, if it ever comes.
Shalyn was greeted in death by her grandpa, Bob Holloway, and many, many ancestors. She is surely dying to hear all the stories she was never told of and by them. She will also be lovingly greeted by former family pets including, but not limited to Pete, Bruno, Shy, Max, Snoodles, Mrs. Cat, Tiger, Tiger, Samuel, Scrappy, Midnight, Smokey, Dorothy, Billie Bob, and Bubbles the Nerdfighting Hamster.
She leaves behind her grandma, Karen Holloway, father, Troy Holloway, mother, Sheila Gramm, sister, Risa Holloway, half-brother, Danial Jameson II, sister-in-law, Melanie Jameson, nieces, Claudia, Hailey, Carol-Ann, and Nichole, along with countless cousins, aunts, and uncles.
She also leaves behind her best friends, Jacob Bish, Megan Sharp (and family), the guys at the museum, and Nichole Iverson.
She would want her memory to live on by everyone focusing on not being a dick, and trying to make the world a better place. This can be done by recycling, volunteering, and donating to small museums.
She once said, "The message I'm trying to send . . . is, be a good friend. Help your friends."
Services will be Saturday September 14th at the First Christian Church in Aurora at 11:30 (am. We had to clarify for anyone who knew her love of night), followed by internment at the Aurora cemetery where she will be buried next to her beloved grandfather. A luncheon will follow. Everything will probably be late and dysfunctional as a testament to her lose relationship with time and organization.
Please allow any and all feelings to consume you as a way of remembering her. And remember: Don't Forget To Be Awesome.


I understand that that would never be published because it is long and inappropriate, but that would be great. I might have to write another one saying more about my life and less about my person, but I don't think anyone would really care about either. I think what made me most emotional when writing this was the 'she leaves behind' section. There are so many people I'd want to include! I've been so close to so many people in my short life, and it breaks my heart that I can't list them all. There have been best friends, mentors, church leaders, step-parents, boyfriends, girl friends, internet friends, people I was in various clubs and activities with, just too many to count or list. I know many of these people wouldn't ever know if I died. For all I know, they could be dead themselves. It's gut-wrenching to think that these people, who I have cared very deeply about at one point or another, and I have nothing to do with each other anymore. It makes you think about the fact that I might not have even met the most important in my life yet. Though I'm pretty sure I'll still be talking to Jacob and Megan and maybe even Nichole in 10-15 years. But who knows?
The only thing I'd hate about dying right now is that there would be people all over campus talking about it who never even talked to me. Surely there'd be some sort of 'remembrance' ceremony or something stupid like that, where all these people that don't know a thing about me would be at. My Facebook wall would be coated by people that never cared, talking about how much they'll miss me. The people I was actually friends with might post silly inside jokes, but more than likely they wouldn't say anything. I think that's how you can tell who your true friends are. When I die, will you publicly express your mourning, or will you quietly go on with your life? I'm pretty sure my best friends would be quietly walking around, attempting to go on with their lives, getting mad at the people pretending to miss me. My best friends will probably sit around by themselves a lot, probably talking to me. And I'll be right there. And hopefully they'll know that.
Shit. This is so much more emotional than I planned on. I'm just sitting here picturing how I would react if my best friend died. Honestly, I'd drop out of college for the semester. There is no way I could go to class after that. I don't know if I'd be able to go more than an hour without being struck down by gut wrenching sadness.
Oh God. Just the thought is awful.
But how lucky am I to have something that would hurt so much to lose?

Coming Home

Labor Day weekend was a 4 1/2 day weekend for me, so I opted to go home. Here are some thoughts I had last Thursday night as I lay in my bed.

          "This whole idea of coming home is really strange. 3 weeks ago, I couldn't imagine being comfortable anywhere else. I had my little nest built here, and it was cozy. I picked out all the main pieces of my nest and headed off. I found a home for all my things and ended up with a brand-new nest that was incredibly cozy! I settled in without realizing it. I developed new patterns and habits. I adapted to sharing my nest with someone I wouldn't have ever even talked to. But I kept thinking, "I want to go home."

          As I was turning towards Nebraska City, I thought about how easily I could just turn around and not come home. Dad didn't know I was coming. Risa probably wouldn't care. Jacob was being cranky. Plus, it'd be cheaper. But I thought about how much I've missed Jacob and my room, so I continued.

          When I walked in the ever-unlocked front door, Dad and Risa both seemed so happy to see me, but I didn't feel anything. It felt like coming home after a long day of school. Nothing too spectacular.

          I looked around. Nothing much had changed, but everything felt different. The fridge has been cleared of my childhood trophies to make room for Crystal's plans for the future. The milk was in a different spot in the fridge. My mug wasn't in the cupboard. It was just little things.

          To Dad and Risa, nothing had changed. Having me back wasn't much different. But coming back, that's so much different. This is no longer my home. But neither is my dorm. These next few years, I will be a drifter. Both physically and metaphorically. I have a place to stay when the dorms are closed, I'll have a permanent address to have my things mailed to, but I won't have a home.

          For the last few weeks, I've looked forward to laying on my bed. As I lay here now, I just want to leave. The idea of coming back again is more stressful than the idea of leaving ever was."

Goodbyes are hard.

As the last 12 hours of summer arrive, I realize I haven't blogged much since graduation. I would apologize to my readers, but I doubt anyone has actually noticed.
Tomorrow morning I will get up when my sister is getting ready for school so I can tell her goodbye. I will put the last of my things into my car, and I will go to Aurora to say my goodbyes before getting onto I-80 and heading off to Peru. The mechanics of it are simple, but the idea that I'm about to do it is almost too much to bear.
Jacob came over tonight to watch Dr. Who. I wasn't (and still am not) done packing, so we ended up doing that instead. I realized about half way through packing that this was the first time I've had to pack by myself. Usually my mom or my aunt Linda is helping me. Making sure I never take a box to the car that can fit one more thing into it, and making sure I'll be able to find my things until I'm fully unpacked. But this time, it was all me.
We never got around to watching Dr. Who. Instead we went for a drive. The last drive before I leave. When I suggested it, I was half joking. But when he agreed, the realization settled over us both, and we bolted out to his truck. Desperate to fit in one last drive.
As we pulled into my driveway and I reached for the handle, I turned to say goodbye. Usually it's just a simple "See you later!" But as I tried to pull the words out of my mouth, I could only think, "I'll see you next month." I felt the idea of the tears start to well up, and ,realizing he's never seen me cry before, I hopped out of the truck and went inside.
My cat followed me upstairs and I picked him up. He just stared at me with his big, green eyes. Owly eyes as my grandma calls them. I just looked at him, remembering him as a baby and how he's grown before my eyes. All the changes and purrs I'll miss. It's so silly to be emotional about leaving a cat, but here I am, bawling like a baby. Two down, two to go.

I have to stop and see Grandma before I leave. That woman has done so much for me in my life, but especially in the last few years. Tuesday while I was at work, she filled a laundry hamper with laundry soap, dryer sheets, a roll of quarters, a package of paper plates, a pack of paper bowls, a pack of Styrofoam cups, a baggie full of silverware, a bottle of dish soap, a roll of paper towels, a pack of scrubbing pads, a box of tea, and a bag of my favorite chips. She also gave me an ottoman out of the camper with a set of her towels from the camper and the set of towels my aunt took to college. She's done so much for me, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to thank her enough.
I also have to stop by the museum on my way out of town. I'll be saying goodbye to the place as much as, if not more than, to Megan. She's so lovely. She's been there for me through the crazy scholarship period, the extreme Senioritis, the summer slump, the long nights, and the thought filled days. She and her family have loved me with open arms and warm smiles. Walking into that museum was one of the best choices I could have ever made, and I'm so glad I did it. I'm just bummed I won't be able to make it to coffee one last time before I go! Those boys have given me so much knowledge and so many smiles. 

Having to say goodbye to your 4 best friends (one of which is definitely not a cat) in a 12 hour time period is hard. I've tried really hard to not think about tomorrow for a good six months, but now here it is. Staring me in the face. As a lovely childhood song would say, "Can't go around it. Gotta go through it."

I know that it's only a 2 hour and 45 minute drive to come home. I know that I'll be back in the next few weeks to come to the State Fair. I know I'll be back next month for my dad's birthday and the museum's big weekend. But this is, without a doubt, the scariest month of my life so far. I'm going to a strange new place, full of strange new people, not knowing a single soul, without my mom to make my bed, and without my grandpa to hold my hand.
Oh, God. I have the ugliest cry face. I hope I can hold it together tomorrow.

When I am old and grey. . .

When I am old and grey, I will look back on this summer and smile. Perhaps with a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
It started with an adventure to a place I fell in love with.  I came back to an adventure with a great friend. It continued with the same great friend.
I made good money at a nice enough job, with pleasant people. I got wonderful advice from a fantastic friend at a place that I love.
I discovered a lot about myself and who I am. My best friend and I spent a lot of time driving aimlessly, talking, and watching Dr. Who.
I got back into a state of mind that let me be creative and comfortable, and to help me get back into writing and drawing and painting. It also helped me free my inhibitions about about public singing- though I've been sounding pretty pitchy lately.
I've snuck a boy in and around my house, and he has slept in my bed on occasion.
I went to Wal-Mart at 10:30 at night and locked the keys in the car with a great friend. And after that was fixed, we drove around until 4 am.
We celebrated being friends for 3 years. We fought off the hordes of people insisting that we date. We learned to read each other's moods and actions and glances. We memorized each other's habits and fears. We truly became each other's soul mates.
Someday I will either be happy or sad about all of this. Either thinking about this great summer with Jacob will break my heart, or warm it. Maybe we'll still be friends, maybe not. Maybe he'll die too soon. Maybe we'll be married. Maybe we'll stop being friends. Maybe we've changed. Maybe we'll be essentially the same people. Is Jacob out West? Am I out East? Do we meet in the middle?
In 15 years, we'll have been friends longer than not. I like to hope so at least. I like to believe that when two people fit together as well as we do, that they stay friends for a long, long time.

Words from my head.

I swear, I have more blog posts saved as drafts than I do posts that I've posted. I cannot promise any of those drafts to be finished and posted in a timely manner. I leave for college in one month and three days. Holy macaroni.

I've been doing a lot of journaling lately, and thought the world might like to hear some of my 'power lines' that I hope to stem a story of sorts off of, along with some 'Shalyn-isms' as Jacob likes to call them. The following messages have been edited by my discretion. I do not care what you think of them, but I hope you enjoy them.

July 6th, 2013

Religion is a funny thing. I can't honestly say I do or do not believe in God or Buddha or whatever, but I've grown up in Christianity, so it's a comforting idea. But I think this Jesus fellow would like me. Not because I say my prayers and all that, but because I am exactly who he's meant for me to be. I think if God's real, he made all of us exactly the way we were meant to be. He intended for many to stray and/or be terrible humans. He knows what he's doing. We really need to stop hating on each other. We're all right.

July 8th, 2013

SURPRISE! Jacob-isms happen too! Enjoy this one.

"The emotions are what make you you."

And one from an unremembered date.

"I think you're a real friend, but a fake bitch."

July 3rd, 2013

". . . everything seemed to have this gentle glow, like it was showing off for me."

"I want someone to be laying in the sun, quietly reading with me. I want someone to put their arm around me when the sunset chills roll in. I want someone to curl up in blankets with me and talk as the moon comes up . I want someone to look at me the way I look at the sunsets and the moon and the beaches. I want someone to look at me and smile because I am the best thing in their world."

July 11th, 2013

"They threw each other wayward looks, but never at the same time.

They read the same books, but at different paces.

Everything fit but the timing.

Perhaps someday they'd see the same thing at the same time.

But today was not that day."

"How lucky are we to have found each other so early.

How sad that it can't work out.

How hopeful for what's to come."

". . .It would be the beginning of a beautiful thing. 

But beautiful things always end in sorrow.

So for now, it's best that you don't."

On Soul mates and Best friends

When I'm friends with someone, it's usually not for long. I mean, I have 'friends' that I've known my entire life. I have 'friends' that I've talked to on and off since middle school. But when I'm friends with someone, I invest myself into the relationship. I give 100% of myself to them. And then I burn out. And I realize that the whole time, I was 100% invested, while they were only around 45% invested. And that hurts. A lot.

Most of my friendships only last around a year because of this. We start off as acquaintances; classmates, camp-mates, band kids, stuff like that. We start talking during whatever stuck us together. We decide it'd be fun to hang out after class/band/camp/ect. We bond over movies/Chinese food/mutual hatred/ect. I don't have any other friends, so I only talk to them for a while. I try really hard not to be obsessive. I don't text first. I let them choose when/where/how often we hang out. But they know that if they EVER need anything, I'll be right there. And a lot of people take advantage of that. And that hurts. A lot.

But I met my current friend, Jacob, on Travel Camp almost three years ago. We didn't talk much that year, but we talked enough to be slightly more than acquaintances. Prom of my junior year, I was friends with this guy, Caleb, who I also met on Travel Camp, and I liked him. I asked him to prom, and he said yes, and I was excited. I had my dress altered and had told him what color it was. I reminded him several times about the date (he needed reminded about things- a lot.) and he said he was going. Two weeks before prom, I asked him if he had his tux. He said no. I, for good reason, was concerned. He then informed me that he thought I was joking about prom this whole time. And that hurt. A lot.

So at this point, I'm very emotional. I was on Facebook, venting to my mom. For some reason, I was talking to Jacob, and I brought this whole ordeal up. I asked him, half jokingly, to go with me. And he did. And we had a lovely time.

Hover hand. Because we're cool.

The whole gang! It was an interesting night.

After prom, we talked on Facebook a lot. We moved from acquaintances to friends. We had Nerdfightaria in common, as well as a deep love for the internet. He became the friend that understood things no one else I knew would understand.

This continued through the summer, but less. We went on Travel Camp together and we had a lovely time. Maverick and Kaitlyn also hung out with us on TC, and it made for a lovely 11 days in Canada.

Mav, Jacob, a weird Santa statue, Kaitlyn, and me on Travel Camp :)

We decided to get together and watch scary movies once a month. Mav and Kaitlyn were always busy, so Jacob and I did so without them. It was pleasant. Then we got busy and skipped it. That sucked.

Around Christmas we had another movie night. Ever since then, we've just talked ALL THE TIME.

He went to prom with me again this year. It was lovely and my dress looked fantastic.

We look so swag-tastic. And by we, I mean I.

My group of friends (who are entirely different than the ones I had last year) enjoyed his presence, so we hung out with them several other times. I hung out with his friends once, but they all function as a group and I don't like that many people at once. Regardless, we have moved from friends to best friends.

I was talking to Megan at the museum one day, and she insisted that Jacob and I would someday date. That sounds absolutely revolting. But, as it turns out, a lot of people think this. His mom, my mom, my dad, my sister, my grandma, my boss, my 'friends' at school, and pretty much anyone who has ever seen the two of us together ever. It's annoying.

But Megan also said something to me one day that stuck. We had been discussing Jacob and I's not dating, and she said something along the lines of "People don't always marry their soul mates." That just made so much sense! Jacob and I just sort of fit together. It's easy to see how everyone would think that we could make a good couple, but there is NO physical attraction from either of us to either of us. If anything, we're in love with each other's brains.

So basically, I just told you the entire story of Jacob and I's friendship to tell you: We are not dating, nor will we ever be. It has been officially recorded on the interwebs as an official, written in stone thing.

I leave you with this quote that I heard on Criminal Minds earlier this evening.

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." William Somerset Maugham

**Edit**
I just found this picture on Pinterest. It belongs here.

Here it is.

Right now, I'm laying on my bed with no bedding on it because it's in the wash. Right now, I'm typing this blog post that I wanted to post yesterday, but felt like Wil Wheaton's post needed to be made, and I hate chain-posting. Right now, I'm checking my Facebook to see if the kind lady that lives next door to my grandma can hem my dress for graduation. Right now, I'm not crying.

Every year, for as long as someone I know has been graduating, I have cried most of the month of May. I cry at last concerts, last Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, pep bands, ect. Pretty much, I was just an emotional wreck. And now it's my turn. This thing that I've been waiting for for 13 years is here. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and go to school for about 3 hours before we have our Senior barbecue and do a run through of graduation, and I haven't shed a single tear. I always thought that I'd be really emotional about leaving, but as John Green said in Paper Towns "It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” And he's right. I've been waiting to leave for so long, I can't imagine it as anything other than easy right now.

Most classes bond during their senior year. They have senior bonfires and senior pranks, senior skip day, cheesey "I'm going to miss you so much why weren't we friends sooner" moments, the works. But our class hasn't done that. And with 3 hours left, I don't think we will. But I think it's because we already did. Usually that kind of fake bonding is great for the end of things. It's a chance to help influence how people are going to remember you. But our class has already done all of that. When Jacob died, our class pulled together. Whether you hated or loved Jacob, or anyone in our class for that matter, you came together and helped each other through it. Not everyone was mourning the loss of Jacob, something some people just didn't understand, but we were all in a state of grieving. I, personally, for my grandpa, who had just passed away. So we did all of this fake bonding as we sat together and cried for a few days, and now we're just left with the "I know you're not that way so don't bother" stages. We all hate each other. We all want out. None of us want to come back. It's just so much different than the way I've always pictured the end of my senior year going.

But as John Green also said in Paper Towns, "Things never happen the way you imagine them. But if you never imagine, they never happen at all."

What kind of Nerd are you?

Wil Wheaton was speaking at a convention over the weekend at the Calgary Comic Expo, and he gave a nifty little speech.




I follow the Wheaton's on Twitter, like a good little nerd, and Anne retweeted the link to this. I saw that people were saying it was a "must watch", so I watched it. And I may have teared up a bit. But it made me start to think, what kind of a nerd am I?


Well I've never seen Firefly or any of the Sherlock's. I've seen the Star Wars movies, but most things I know about it, I've learned from what others have said online. I only liked Star Trek: The Next Generation (in which Wil Wheaton played Wesley Crusher, unrelatedly). I've never played Dungeons and Dragons or any of the 'nerdy' games (video or otherwise). Needless to say, I'm not a good nerd.


In fact, I never would have ever really labeled myself as a nerd without stumbling across John and Hank Green. They basically just said, "It's okay that you aren't a _____, we think you're pretty awesome!" They introduced me to Nerdfightaria, and for the first time in the miserable middle/high school experience, I felt completely comfortable being me. Granted, I have only ever met one or two other Nerdfighters. But still, it's nice to have a place, especially on the internet, where you feel accepted for who you are. Nerdfighters have a website called Your Pants where you can just type in any sort of group and it will come up with all sorts of niches of Nerdfighteria. There are ones by state, gender, sexuality, religion, high school groups, occupation, and any other likes and interests you can think of. And you don't have to pick just one, you can be a part of as many of them as you'd like! I haven't visited there in a while, but I like to hope it's still as awesome as it was.
John Green has given the world some great quotes about being a nerd.

"Why is being a nerd bad? Saying I notice you’re a nerd is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Linsey Lohan. Why is that? In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself."


"…because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’."

And finally, as Wil Wheaton said,

Senioritis

When it hits, it hits hard. For the Aurora High School graduating class of 2013, senioritis has sunk it's claws into our spirit. Even the top of the class, the ones that have always been the front of the pack, has began to drag. With just 16 days left, we're all ready to leave. I only have one class a day, so imagine how much I don't want to be there. I go to band and choir, then I come sit in the guidance office (aka the senior sanctuary) for a class, then I go eat lunch at my grandma's and aide at the museum, before coming back to school for College World Lit and Language. Talk about sucking! It's not a terrible class. I actually really like the discussions we get into, but this multi-genre is killing me slowly.
That's what I should be doing right now. I'm sitting here in my empty block, left behind when I dropped out of College Algebra. I'm supposed to use it as a study hall, but I mostly just use it to play around online. I check Facebook and Twitter every 5-10 minutes, Tumblr is blocked on the school network, my Pandora radios are all perfectly customized, my graduation party has been planned to every little detail, but I'll always find something that needs to be done that isn't my English homework. I like to think it's a senior thing, but it's probably just a me thing.
So what else am I doing to fill my time lately? The musical's over, the party's all planned, the museum only has one or two projects for me to work on (Reading all of the Aurora newspapers from 1905 and 1906 and filing 1,000 probate records. My life rocks.) so that all takes up my time until about 5 o'clock. That still leaves 7-9 hours of my day to fill! Well, I spend a lot of time with my friend Jacob. I watch a lot of Netflix. I hang out at my grandma's. I lay in my room doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes I literally sit in my room and stare at the clock, watching it inch closer to graduation. It's getting pathetic, really. (Side note: only 303 more hours until I walk across the stage!) I feel like at this point, no one should expect anything of me. I took a week off of work right after graduation. I'm going to sleep until noon. Maybe I'll do some laundry. Maybe I'll get caught up on Dr. Who. Maybe I'll get through 5 more generations on Sims 2. But I'm not going to do anything that is vitally important. No papers, no tests, no quizzes, no working, and no schedules. I am going to take a one week vacation and just do nothing.
*flashes forward a few days to when I remembered this forgotten draft*
My mom and I went to Grand Island this afternoon to buy scrapbook stuff for all my pictures. We spent a whole hour in those three isles of Hobby Lobby, talking about all the cool pictures I have. I've reached the point in graduation party planning where I'm trying to figure out how I can use this party to show the world how I view things. I don't want people to just show up, sign the scrapbook, eat some cake, and move on. I want people to learn something about me. Be it learning that I have two different colored eyes, learning how my life has looked through my eyes, or my deep thoughts on nerding out, I want people to learn something. I feel like if there is one thing people take away from meeting me, it's that we should constantly be learning.
Of course, I say this as I avoid doing my English project(s), so what do I know.

Questions!

So I've been trying to come up with things to blog about on here. I thought about talking about my life (graduation, prom, best friend-om, museum stuff, English class, etc). Then one day (every day) I was on Tumblr and someone had reblogged this. I blogged it for finding purposes, and now I'm going to answer all 23 of these questions! It's like middle school on Facebook all over again!!!

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think it's easier to look into their eyes while I'm talking than when I'm listening. I mean, where are you supposed to look when the other person is talking???
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
I think it would be safe to assume it had something to do with my dad's girlfriend's existence.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
Oh geez. Well, I'm assuming help has already been called. I would either call my grandma or my best friend, Jacob. Jacob would probably be like, "What the hell do you want? I have better things to do than listen to you. I hate you!" and as much as I would love for that to be our last conversation, I think I'd want some love from my grandma in those final moments.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I would tell the people that I think need to know. I probably wouldn't put it on Facebook or Twitter or on here. I'd probably spend a lot of time reading and making bad decisions with my friends. I would most definitely not go to school. That's the only thing I know for sure.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
I would choose trust. If I had to marry someone based on this question, I would choose the person I trust over the person I love any day. Love can get messy and painful and is often not worth it, especially if you can't trust the person you love. If I trust someone, I'm trusting that they aren't going to hurt me. They're going to take care of me and we could be happy together for a long, long time.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
1) There is no canal near me, so this is highly unlikely. 2) I can't swim. 3) I would never work for someone who doesn't understand my loose relationship with time. 4) I'd just call 911. Poor puppy!
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
Love. If you're hurt by someone you trust, it hurts so much more because you were trusting that they wouldn't do that. It's almost expected to be hurt by the one you love.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
Holy poop. This is something that everyone I know is asking me lately. He's someone I really trust. I know he'll always be there for me and will always watch my back, and I for him. I think I've already fallen in love with him, but not in that way. If he told me that he loved me (which is unlikely to happen) I would be completely baffled. I would, for once in my life, be speechless.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
In a heartbeat, so long as I get to spend that one hour with him. I don't honestly see the value in my own life, so to sacrifice a year of my life to spend even a minute more with my grandpa would mean the world to me.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Heck no! I'm indecisive, moody, unpredictable, and rude. I have no filter for my thoughts or actions, and I don't care if what I say hurts someone. I would cry if I had a friend like me. But on the other side, I devote everything to whoever I'm with. They have my full attention and care, 24/7. I guess I'd take me, as long as I knew the side effects.
11. Does love = sex?
Most certainly not. I love my sister, but NOT like that. I love Jacob, but not like that either. And making love is not the same as having sex. A person can have sex with anyone, but you can only make love to someone you're in love with.
12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
I think I would. Chances are, my boss would be able to give me a glowing review for any potential employers because of that act of kindness. It's just a job anyhow.
13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
I don't know, actually. I say a lot of brutally honest things to people every day, but it's never been very difficult. I'm kind of thinking of this as telling something to someone I care about, and I don't tell people I care about what I honestly think. I'd scare a lot of friends off.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
I think it's harder to tell someone you don't love them back. As much of a rude person as I can be, I don't like to break other people's hearts. I'd honestly probably just go along with it for a long time before I finally had to say something.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Material or other? If we're talking material things, I'd say internet. It's how I keep in touch with friends, family, and even strangers. It's how I stay up to date on current events, and how I entertain myself. Non-material things, I'd have to say my cat. I love that little guy so much. I would cry for days if I lost him.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
I tell my grandma I love her every day. I didn't tell my grandpa I loved him the last time I saw him, so I'm trying to make sure that never happens again.
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
I don't know. Probably last Saturday night, after prom. I'd try and milk a little more fun out of the night. :)
18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
Probably? I don't really know. I don't know CPR, and I don't have one of those mask things. I don't know if I'd save anyone. I have very little value for human life. There's so many of us!
19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
I'd let go of my grandma. She has led a very long, happy life, and I think she would rather go on to see Grandpa again. Besides, it'd be so selfish of me to save her for my own personal sake and let someone's baby die.
20. Are you old fashioned?
Without a doubt.
21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I'm not sure. I try to be a generally friendly person to people I meet. 
22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
I think if I could wish to do anything in the world, I would want to get paid to learn. I don't want to be told what I have to learn though, I just want to learn what I want when I want.

So there we have it! 23 things you've been DYING to know about me!